Reflections and Introspection

September 1, 2015

I would like to think that I have learned a lot about life. I have lived it 38 years and like the energizer bunny I keep moving forward to the beat of my own drum.  A co worker and I had a brief conversation the other day about how young people don’t know what is coming. They think that their dreams are going to come true and any naysayers can just shut the hell up. The reality is some of your dreams come true and some of them don’t. Sometimes dreams become nightmares and milestones become chained to your legs preventing you from any forward momentum.

How can I say such things? I was in my late teens and early twenties once upon a time. I have lived it. I once believed that my life had a divine purpose. That I had a destiny. That I was on an exciting journey and the sky was the limit.

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I am no longer convinced that my life serves any major purpose and I am ok with that.  In truth at this point all I want to do is make a living and provide for my children.

If I am honest I have accomplished some of what I dreamed about. I fathered a son and daughter. I worked a job I dreamed of for a good seven years. I fell in love and was married.  Unfortunately a lot of that was ripped away from me. My marriage ended in divorce. My ex took my kids and moved 500 miles away. The dream job ended and I was left with nothing to show for it career wise. Was it a waste of time?  I still don’t have the answer to that question.

When I was young and in Christian youth group they hammered into our heads that God had a great plan for our lives. I often wonder if youth ministers were overly afraid that we were going to commit suicide. I wonder if they really believed what they preached. “You can be the next Billy Graham” they would say. In the end all of that rhetoric betrayed my heart. What if our only great purpose is to survive? To keep pushing on and do the best we can until our battery goes out and we slip into the peace of death?

There are two things I am grateful for today.One is that I have an amazingly supportive family. My brothers and my parents have been there for me through the hard times. Two is that I have been blessed with some amazing friends over the years who have also helped me through the hard times. They are all still there for me today as I keep pushing on. Trying to find something to make a career so that I can provide for myself and my kids again.

So what now? I survive and battle on. I Work towards small goals that I hope to reach one day.

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