It is crazy to think that I have had this blog for six years. My life has changed so much in 6 years as has my vision for this blog. Originally I was just going to post my thoughts on comic books and geek culture here. Yet as I look back I see that this small part of the internet has become a place for me to get things off of my chest. I can discuss what is going on in my head here. If I am brave enough. I have been wanting to reflect on where I am in writing for a while now. A friend of mine wrote a blog that was the impetus for me writing this one. Her blog is http://thesoutherngypsysoul.blogspot.com/.
Six years ago my life was much different. I was married with one baby boy and a tiny little infant girl. I had a house and solid job doing audio production for a Christian organization. My dreams were coming true. Unfortunately sometimes dreams become nightmares. My now ex wife left me on Valentines day of 2010. She took the kids and moved back home. She informed me she wanted a divorce two weeks after my birthday. It was the worst day in my life. I had never felt that kind of a emotional anguish in my life. All I could do was weep and moan. So me in a desperate attempt to win her back left the solid job I had to pursue something that paid better. I had hoped we would reconcile and be able to come back together. After all part of our problems seemed to stem from financial difficulties. She would hear nothing of it and five days later the better paying job let me go. My kids were gone. My marriage was over and I was unemployed. I moved back home to live with my mom. Yep. Every 30 somethings nightmare come true. I was so emotionally and spiritually broken that looking back it was a good thing that I was able to move back home.
My career took a nose dive as well. It seemed that a lot of Christian ministries didn’t want a divorced guy working for them. So between that cold fact and my lack of demo I decided to let it go. I worked several odd jobs. I even helped out at a station in a college town for a few months. (War Eagle!) In the end none of it panned out.
So where am I today? I still live with my mother. I am employed by a bookstore. I enjoy the work. Although I do look to the day when I can make good money again and live on my own. My kids come for visits and I have one thing I didn’t have for a long time:hope.
Over the past five years my heart has been healing. The emotional cut is a scar at this point. Perhaps one day it will be gone. I have let go of a lot of the resentment and anger that I held onto. I have forgiven. My ex is getting remarried and truth be told I hope she has a great life.
For a long time I believed that I was finished. I couldn’t understand why I was still alive. I still haven’t had any great epiphany other then that I know my children,family and friends need me. I still trust that God has a plan for my life. I have no idea what that is or where to go. I don’t have to figure it out all at once. I am content going day by day and seeing where my feet land. I have some ideas of where I can go career wise.
So I said all of that to say that sometimes it is a long road out of hell. Sometimes you don’t get the miracle fix you were praying and hoping for. Sometimes you just have to push through the trials and let the healing take its course.
I see myself as a phoenix ready to be reborn into the next phase of my life. I couldn’t say that 5 years ago. I can say it now.