Suffering and Struggle

What do you do when you reach that point where everything you believed in has seemingly failed you? When you feel as though you are trapped at the bottom of an abyss with no way to climb up. Though you try and struggle to climb you end up falling down again. All you have to show for your efforts are blood soaked hands where you cut yourself trying to grasp at something, at anything that will hold you secure.  

That is where I find myself these days.  I have heard it all:

 “Believe in yourself”,

 “Do these steps and you will go far kid…”

 “Jesus Christ will help you if you do this…”  

All of these platitudes seem as vanity to me.  Perhaps I am being a spoiled brat. I should be grateful to just be alive. Well excuse me if I still desire and hope for more.  When I was 17 I accepted Jesus into my heart.  At 33 I watched it fall apart and God did nothing.  I went from having a career to pushing boxes of books around an office.  I went from being married with my own home to living with my mom again. A victim of ruin that follows most men after a divorce. 

Despite all of this a part of me still hopes. I raise my scarred hands to grasp at the blood soaked rocks of destiny.  My broken spirit still tries to soar to the heights of success. My cold and shattered heart still looks for the warm comfort of love. 

This is my existence. Indeed I find myself wondering if life is more about the struggle then the goal. Perhaps suffering is what we are here for?  Is emotional suffering what I am here for?

I don’t know any of the answers. All I know is that I will keep on trying until the peaceful embrace of death takes me.  As a wise vampire with a soul once uttered “If nothing we do matters then all that matters is what we do.”


5 Responses to Suffering and Struggle

  1. Kristin says:

    There is no answer that will satisfy when you are where you are. There is nothing that can comfort a soul that is sick from hope that has failed. Scripture even says that hope deferred makes the heart sick but when it comes, it is as a tree of life. Hold on the the “when it comes” part because only God can see the future. Love you!

  2. Toni Cookson says:

    The answers may be different for everyone; I don’t know.

    I think I had to get to the point that I felt I had nothing in order to find my own answer. I raged; I got angry with others and with God. But, then … eventually … I found a kind of sort of answer for myself.

    I think I am here simply to love others, to smile at others, to try to be compassionate, loving, patient, and understanding, and to try to make their lives better through simple, small acts of love and kindness and through listening to them. Sometimes they need me to listen without judgment, without my opinions, and without my ego. That was what I learned for me. It’s not all about me; it’s about them and what they need.

    I’m not sure about the answers for you, but I am sure, from the good person you are, that you will find your answers and find peace and happiness in your heart — at least most of the time. 🙂

  3. Something that always helps me when I feel like life has turned to shit is to read the very beginning of Foxe’s Book of Martyr’s, the part where we get the traditions about the deaths of the Apostles. It’s sobering and it’s comforting and it makes me feel better. I don’t know why, but it does.

  4. By the by, that apostrophe is Martyrs was unintentional. Stupid me.

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